A Quickie.

(Since it's a quickie, editing will be at a minimum.  This is real life ya'll.)

I'm still here.  The launch of this blog was not a false spark of energy.  As a matter of fact, when I started, I had very little energy.  My usual hobbies and duties had taken a back seat while I sat pretty on the couch with a Wolf flare, one of inflammation and exhaustion that I'm still working to understand.  I was either going to be TV prone or manage to save my my brain cells through the medium of writing.  The only thing I confess to is that the momentum was a bit heavy and posting something funny or interesting every day is just not going to happen.   So I decided if I feel like it, I will write, and if I don't, I won't.  There's no point in making a blog if you lose your joy over feeling the need to cater to an audience.  This project is the exact opposite.  Adversity confronted.

Well, in the last week or so and hopefully in the following days, I've been much healthier.  It's a large part of the reason I've been absent from the screen.  No chance I will be typing away when my legs and lungs are at almost-normal capacity.  The symptoms never seem to fully go away, but they do submit to all my careful and meticulous healing methods and avoidance tactics.  However, remission is temporary and who knows when and how it will strike again.  Pummeling through the last week like I have is probably counterproductive to a chunky period of health.  This culture we live in makes it feel like if you're not go-go-gadget, you're letting precious time and life slip away, and yes, I'm a conflicted member of that mentality.  It duals with my zen-like, listen-to-your-body-mentality.  Even with husband being gone so much this month, there's so much that needs to be done.  At the end of the day, some time for perspective is of the essence.  Somewhere between all the things that need to be taken care of and walking to and from parking lots, I get overwhelmed.  This is not intended as a pleasure read, but as a visual representation of my mind going 1000 miles per hour at the end of the day.  Definitely, not in chronological order.

• Drop off the cat before work to get spayed, power through banging morning headaches and body aches.
• Make a stop at the gas station, the produce corner, publix, and Target during Saturday mayhem.
• Schedule half the other errands during work lunches or I'll get too achy.
• Make sure you have energy for when Husband comes home.
• Make sure there is clean laundry for when he comes home.
• Did you remember the cilantro?
• The cat food bowls are empty.
• They're out of litter.
• Emergency run to Petsmart.
• Forgot parent's anniversary.
• Food diary: peanut butter makes muscles hurt.
• Can't leave the house with just any pair of shoes, a new set of flats is in order. Add shopping, postpone, rinse, repeat.
• Cancel the peanut butter on Vitacost order.
• Order is on route. Eat the $.
• Schedule mattress shopping dates with Husband. Postpone, rinse, repeat.
• Bought oats, not gluten free.   Eat that cost as well.
• What's making my skin itchy, is it the Wolf? Is it dryness? Is it chemtrails?
• Breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
• Include exercise somewhere in there, it'll give you the energy to last longer.
• Medicine regimen. Empty stomach before and after, 3 times a day.
• Cat took off the cone! Get her!!!
• Read every label of everything you buy.
• Put on foot lotion after shower.
• Deny invitations for food and play and cheerfully offer options.
• Skip meetings, listen in.
• Catch up through text, forget the written letters.
• Call in late again. Rush through lunch.
• Repaint those chipped toenails.
• Remember to take the nopal, the omegas, the flax seed oil three times a day, drink at least one tea of ginger, make sure to eat fiber every day.
• Break up the cats, no roughhousing yet.
• Don't get sidetracked! You burned the butternut squash.
• Install shower filter on list.
• But I thought you took out the garbage?
• The dishes are calling.  Husband is hungry. Cat is playing with stitches.  Must. Sit. Down.
• Husband and I are ill and exhausted
• Did that have caffeine in it?  IC flared again.
• Send bill payment to new location. Locate the new address.
• Tell God to take care of the usual suspects, cause I can't remember what's going on with who?
• UPS skipped the delivery, add to the errands list for pick-up.  Wait in line.
• Forget re-doing the toenails...shave!
• Forgot to buy distilled water.
• Smile without looking psychotic!

Does anyone else feel like they're brain is going to explode?  Is the full moon arriving or is there just such limited time and too much traffic in the city? Do we self-sabotage/load ourselves to cover every little detail and then feel unaccomplished if something on the to-do list goes unchecked?

I don't know if in reality it isn't much and it only feels that way, but no matter the lessened pace I impose, no matter how much repose I force myself to surrender to, there has been an underlying sense of overload, especially if anything doesn't get done.  I don't necessarily blame being ill on this but I do have to wonder how large a part it plays in my life even when I do feel relatively upbeat and active.

It seems like it's inconvenience after inconvenience, but its just life, not picking on any one particular person.  It's about organizing before it gets out of control, or admitting overload when it's there.  Before I got married, I learned how we automatically as  individuals (especially control freaks) usually take note of the undone without taking stock of the things that go according to plan.  Even if it does happen while running amock, there are many things going our way as long as we're putting the time and work it.  The balanced person knows that there is more negative than positive, but some careful meditation helps pinpoint good results that are achieved and how its not always found on the chore list.

It was suggested in one of my favorite books on how the mind creates thoughts and affects behaviors.  It proposed that you take the author up, for one week at the end of the day, write everything you accomplished, now matter how small the task.  It was to enhance your viewpoint by the end of each trial period and begin learning to more readily acknowledge your hard work and sense of ongoing accomplishment.  I tried it and it goes to show that even though it felt like complete chaos to do everything on a limited clock, I was getting it done.  Expecting everything at my pace (a pace that I put up against those go-getter superwomen) was where the pressure built and distorted the view that everything was going pretty darn well.

• Cat fixed. Done and over with.
• Parents back from El Salvador, quality time spent with them.
• Date night with Husband.
• Bob's Red Mill kindly sent me Gluten Free oats to replace my mistaken purchase.
• I got my Tofu Press.
• The health foods are working marvelously.
• Business has picked up.
• My kitty just said I LOVE YOU in cat.
• Husband and I are on the same page, despite the travel schedule.
• I received recognition for the monthly incentive program at work.
• Sister send the best talking card and magnet!
• Got a bomb-a$$ deal at Yankee candle for the parents anniversary gift by coincidence.  (Some lady just left a buy 2 get 2 of equal size free.
• ....The list goes on, but some things I'll keep to myself as any of you would.

So, I'm exhausted.  A bit stressed.  Missing Husband, especially at bedtime.  But not worrying about a pretty and perfect post has got me feeling pretty pleased tonight.  My house is mostly clean and I'm set up to go to my meeting tomorrow.  Priorities back on track and I'm sure there'll be another readjustment soon.  Next week on my list, slow down on new health recipes, repeat a few meals, and instead take proper care of others when done taking care of self.  :)

Peace out. Lights out.