At work, a small white tablet was found straggling around in my purse.  I heard angel choirs chanting not too far off this multi-dimensional realm.  I split the porcelain little helper in two.  Even before popping the first half, the placebo effect of the hope that was to come was already melting troubles away like lemon drop shots.

All these mornings have been groundhog-ish.  I had an interruption in my regular treatment for the 'wolf disease', and so the inflammation and pain came back with a vengeance.  With permission from a doctor's note, I have stumbled into work late almost every day in the last two weeks.  When I pry my dessert-dry eyes open in the morning, while blood is trashing around in my skull, I begin the process of gauging my pain levels.  Neck: Stiff.  Hips: swollen.  Feet: extra swollen.  Back: stabbing.  Elbows: Stuck. Wrist and Fingers: numb.  Organs: Tender.  I'm exhausted from lack of recuperation, but also mentally, from the automatic conditioning that has set in;  the rapid-fire assessment I make two minutes from wake-up time.  I know the day is going to be a battle and my brain wages war to stay home for an hour or two more.

Eventually I unfurl my spine and muster the bravery to place my feet on the floor.  Morning stiffness and swelling is normal. For the rest of the day, continual movement is paramount, otherwise, my joints will stay stuck in motionless positions.  I still don't know how to describe many of the symptoms that come with this condition.  The best one yet, which I don't know if the average person can understand, is that it feels like my blood doesn't fit inside its veins and my limbs don't fit inside it's skin encasing.  The most recent pain is my lower back.  The doctor said there is no damage.  "It's just inflammation."  I doubt the words of that arrogant fool, but I'm also helpless in my limited amount of time to take off work and see every doctor for every spot on my body that's wrong.

My excitement for the Perk was because I had run out of them.  The physician switched me to Vicodin, a very unpleasant substitute which reduces pain, adds headaches, has angered my autoimmune and takes my literal breath away.  This cannot continue.

For that reason, finding a lost little Percocet made my next 4-6 hours.  However, the concern simmers within. It won't be long before it wears off and no more rogue pills will be laying around to be found.

This is not the most unbearable pain I've ever experienced, but it's the most ongoing pain I've ever  had to deal with.  I'm not sure how to do it and when the big picture spans out before my eyes, out of focus and blurry, panic begins to stir.

Am I becoming dependent on a short-term solution?

Am I falling trap to a cognitive dissonance that justifies pill popping. Even if its prescribed?

What constitutes the right to pain killers?

What if you need them to keep your job?

What is the deal with organic herbs that ease pain without causing systematic damage like synthetic narcotics? Why don't I live in California or Amsterdam?

When will they build a Whole Foods in my neighborhood?

How do I keep my job and my home from being neglected in my condition?

How am I to reduce to a more manageable part-time, if I need to pay for so many medicines, appointments, and tests? How am I supposed to keep my mental peace when its at war with my body?

How am I going to do my part as a capable housewife if I run out of energy too early on the same day that my beloved cat decides to poop on our mattress and pee on all our spare mattresses?

What if  I don't stop asking all these unanswerable questions and die right here of cardiac arrest?

All these questions ruminate above in my head with great insistence.

They tumble inside my brain like a dryer with damp laundry all they want, but none of it is solvable if i don't stop the cycling.  Stress exacerbates fatigue, pains, and surrender.  Action however, gets the job done.

I'm a big believer of a mini-break down. If you fight it too long, you're have a certified melt-down and that's just too inconvenient for everyone.  After you're done crying and venting to a friend/family member who provides you a less morbid solution than resorting to admitting yourself in an insane asylum, you wait for your blotchy skin to normalize, you assume rhythmic breathing, you decrease your voice's pitch from supersonic back to human, send a quick prayer through the proper channels, and you lay out your plan.

As soon as your vision isn't blurred,  you call all your doctors with reasonable inquiries and requests.  Then you research on acupuncture and and natural therapies because your doctor is bound to take guesses as good as a two-year old.  You buy a box of pinch-proof gloves and an enzyme cleaner for unpleasant odors.  You put aside any feminism and ask Husband for suggestions and to kindly pass the vacuum once a week for you (He won't know if you don't ask).  Draw smiley faces on the bills you don't intend to pay.  Powder your face again if warranted.  Thank your friends for letting you be at your worst with them and still letting you maintain your credibility when the show is over.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="210" caption="Ages 4-7"][/caption]

You also learn to prepare better for next time. It's time to invest in the sponge bat I've been suggesting might be the greatest problem solver in the world.

I especially like this one with the adjustable size for the days my symptoms throw me on the couch and the cats start meowing suspiciously.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Pain killers are a temporary solution. Being in turmoil is inevitable but should always be dealt with.  Being overwhelmed doesn't have to be the dirty little secret many sweep under the ground as if this life was a summer breeze.  Take meds if you must, but learn how to get on by your own terms. That alone is like natural opiates.

 

 

And that's the way Sue C's it. *

*High-five, Glee Geeks!

Ands, Ifs, and Butts.

My aim is to post every day. Something new and interesting; and realistically, sometimes boring and incoherent. And it would even make sense if I chose to adhere only to business days, excluding the weekends.  I reckon there might even come a time where I can't post for a week or so because that's life in all its realistic glory.  But as I've mentioned before, I do work full time, have a home to keep up, and I do have a crippling disease*.

*This is me: milkin it.

Being chronically ill, I get get-out-of-jail free cards.  As exciting as being in prison might (free cable, free meals, free health care, free college education), no one wants to have to need the freebie cards (except narcissists, and that's a topic for a day of exceptionally high tolerance).  I would give my arm tit to have my health back, but as long as I have a debilitating tribulation in front of me, behind me, and nagging all around me, I'm going to find - not the positive aspects (I think it's unnatural and cheap cognitive dissonance to say there is anything positive about having an illness)- but the 'beneficial' aspects.  The pros.  Because there are some.

This weekend, I had a few epiphanous moments where I realized I have a new power.   It could be used for the sheer goodness of truth.  Or for a very practical evil. Mwahahaha.

Yes, there will be plenty of exaggeration and exploiting of delicate situations here. Don't get soft of me.

And just cause I don't look sick, doesn't mean I'm not feeling bad, so if you ever catch yourself wondering if I'm really experiencing shortness of breath or  jumping on a trampoline while you phone me on the celly, you'll just have to take my word for it.  But how will you ever know? You just won't. Insert mischievous grin here.

(All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. The purpose of this piece is solely to entertain.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

-To the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles who dispenses handicapped parking.  (I don't know if I'm eligible but I really want one.):

"The doctor said my knees need maximized rest or it'll aggravate the inflammation."  Whispering to self, "And the closer I park to Sephora, the more chances I have of cleaning them out of their limited edition color pallets."

-To friends on theme nights:

"I would love to dress up as Chewbacca to complete your cast, but to be honest, that nylon material will break me out in hives."

-The invitees who want you to bring that signature dish that you can't even eat:

"Nothing will make me more happy than bringing that 14-layer-dip that I always slave over for your parties, but I don't know what's up with the weather because my knuckles are like glass today."

-To the ones who are STILL freakishly enthusiastic about the Electric Slide:

"No excitement allowed. Doctor's orders."

-Another purse,  jewelry, or tupperware party:

"I'm pretty sure I'm severely allergic to (cows)(precious stones)(colorful lids)(pick your own, be creative).  It's best to be preventative."

-When volunteers are called to help with after-event cleaning (this exception is actually increasingly true):

"All my limbs are on fire right now, but I will be more than glad to help you supervise the other laborers to make sure they're not slacking!"

-To the bar buddies who insist you race them at Irish Car Bombs:

"It's just be embarrassing for me to smoke you.  Anyway, I ended up in the hospital last time I beat the record."

-To bosses expecting you to be highly ambitious about raising the bar, no matter what pay grade:

"Brain Fog. Go ahead, check WebMD."

- To the husband:

Oh honey, not tonight. My hips are feeling a bit wonky.  (I was talking about moving the furniture around. Get your head out of the gutter!)

The truth of the matter is, I'm exhausted and have been longing bedtime since the moment my alarm blasted my eardrum off this morning.  I'm not a victim, we all have nights where we don't regenerate new brain cells.  Thankfully, I had enough stamina to make dinner and for this I am grateful, because a lack of preparation when avoiding gluten means I had rice cakes for lunch.  It was either that, or zonking out at my desk.  Husband is back in town and probably more depleted than I am, but he's helping with the cat litter, and other things that I would usually prefer to take care of, so he is Prince Charming tonight.

In regards to blogging, I've had a lot of scattered ideas and have saved many unfinished blog entries as drafts, hoping that my energy picks up sometime this week before its over, that I may wrap them up with a bow.  I had set out to write everyday because I truly do have many ideas, but damn this conflicting skeleton and its mushy contents, it's resisting.

Some entries in the making:

- More helpful books for a nice, chemical-free home for the women who hate to clean but still prioritize cleanliness (I wouldn't hate it if it didn't wipe me out.  It's quite the stress relief method).

-Two wonderful exercise regimes that will lift any butt and lengthen all arms for women who need to stay in line and hate exercise.  More importantly keep your blood flowing, brain active, and organs pumping.  (I miss the gym terribly but it is not an option right now, however, it is necessary find a way to move and claim body parts before gravity does.)

-How I feared becoming my Central American mother only to find that I absorbed many of her most useful (yet frightening) housewifing skills, extreme frugality, and basic recipes.  That has pretty much set the tone for me and Husband, aiding us in our beginning, my new-found food sensitivities, and the age old Mars vs. Venus dilemmas. It will include some of her recipes that have made dinnertime a delicious breeze. Mommas are amazing creatures. I will never be an amazing creature. Haha, Get it?

-Another page with detailed descriptions of the best blogs out there for a simpleton girl, trying to be a lady, a temptress, a savvy housewife, a friend, a sister, a little bit wiser and more accepting, more balanced, and just as ridiculous.

-The holistic treatment that is slowly, but surely helping me fight and control the wolf disease.

-One of my favorite cake recipes, modified. Because living without cake is not okay.

For tonight, I accept defeat and will use any remaining energies on tidying up the kitchen to a tolerable condition and get ready for early bed to make spoons.

Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw

Some tunes while you read.  The video and song are completely irrelevant to the entry except for the matching titles, and maybe some symbolic reference to scar tissue.  If you try really hard to make it fit.  It's just a pretty song.  I love how the guy is cracking his fingers in the beginning:



You can read the story leading up to the goodies, or jump straight down for candy shopping.

I was a runner and a strength training fiend.  I started running about 2 years ago; strength training since I was 19.  For measuring purposes, I'm 27 now. During the year I discovered the magical sport of running, the collagen on the soles of my feet deteriorated extremely fast for someone who was just getting started.  At this point, I was still a pretty physically healthy person but with unusual symptoms escalating.  That's part of the reason I don't wear heels now. It's likable to bones hitting the floor without cushion, which causes inflammation to the surrounding muscle and tissues.  It was easy to assume I was simply over doing it because I wanted to be oh-so-skinny while eating everything in my path. My and shoulders were not healing correctly after shoulder presses and anything that involved the neck.  I would get abnormally stiff.  I was convinced I had simply slipped into habits of bad form. Then I was convinced I wasn't stretching enough, which was true, for all those fanatics who think you don't need to stretch. You've been warned.

Extra elapsed days were appearing in between workout sessions to let my body heal.   By the time I prematurely hung up on my beloved running, I was spending most of my time in the gym stretching for relief, abandoning the weight room.  No matter how much effort I put into re-aligning my spinal posture, I still have awkward spots that remain in active/or inactive muscles on my upper back, spreading gradually to the lumbar area.  What was happening is that I was creating a lot of scar tissue.  Only recently, have all these trouble spots advanced into considerable inflammation.  Although unsure of what exactly happens to my muscle and tendons, it is very similar to these descriptions.  I also had a chiropractor in North Carolina tell my my "special neck" was surrounded by this thick band of scar tissue, so as went through all these mysterious changes I knew what it felt like, and felt it was spreading.

The skin on the bottom of my feet became rough. My hands seem to be a tad bit tougher than before. Nothing too severe, and again, it was easy to assume I was just aging normally or that too many years in the gym were taking a toll.  I'm taking all action to circumvent avoidable progression of the symptoms.  When we're healthy, we tend to forget that time and money spent on aesthetic maintenance is to keep our bodies in good functioning condition, not just an external beauty factor.  We put lotion on our hands because we like them soft, but what you're doing is replenishing cells.  We scrub our tootsies because they look good in sandals, but we're sloughing away dead cells and making way for new ones.  Everything we do to look good is coming deep down from a cellular level.

It was very strange to me when I had to start exerting extra time and effort to keep my skin conditioned and healthy.  My hair had always been abundant and my skin well moisturized, if not oily.  But now, my healing rate was perceivably slowing down.  Since childhood, I'd had certain sensitivities, but mom and I never put it together.  So eventually, certain eyeshadows starting causing allergic reactions on the eyelids, my hair no longer accepted moisture from ordinary shampoos or even cholesterol treatments.  Gradually, every beauty product I used was becoming obsolete to my aid.  Another factor I didn't bother to consider was the foods I was eating because no doctor would even hint at a food intolerance.  I didn't know better at the time. Had we known, I wouldn't have had a recurring tiny fungal-like phenomenon of a rash on the little web between my fourth and pinky finger. The redness and itchiness of this mystifying spot had become a seasonal allergy indicator.

Following my gut that something was just not right, despite many friends and even family insisting I was worrying needlessly,  I started educating myself on beauty products, which led to illumination about food allergies, chemicals, preservatives, and color dyes.  My blood had built up toxins from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.  It was rejecting anything non-organic.  So I started switching to nature friendly creams and cleansing agents.

Since I don't have average health, I have to be strictly mindful of products.  I can't buy them for economic convenience or some smell-good gimmick.  It took trial and error, and lot of trips to Health Food stores, funky scents, and crumbly textures.  You may not have to know what hyaluronic acid is, but you probably should if you want to extend your longevity.  One should  toss around the idea of chucking some of the things (not all) in your toiletry cabinet and play with a new favorite. I'm not professional advertiser (yet), but I have collected useful info over time that is very useful to share with ladies who love their skin. These products have rocked my world! They're better than the products loaded with scientific un-pronounceable names.

Jump below

Yummy-licious Organic Products

You can click on the picture to link you up in a new window. They're available by various retailers, but I'm sharing the most economic places you can find them.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="150" caption="Tisserand Tea Tree and Grapefruit Skin Wash"][/caption]

I accidentally bought this as a face wash, thinking it was $8. I almost returned it when I realized I paid $16, but in one day I realized it cleans up better than Proactive.  Gets rid of blackheads and makes skin glow.  I lost the pallid ghost look and became Latin again overnight.  It also doubles as a shower gel and excels at the job too.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="150" caption="Earth Therapeutics      Cracked Heel Repair"][/caption]

Running really damaged my feet.  They don't heal well and need a lot of maintenance.  This stick smells so good I could eat my feet.  The results are immediate.  This product is simple and effective.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="200" caption="Himalayan Toothpaste"][/caption]

This Indian-made toothpaste will brush junk off your teeth like Arm &Hammer and Colgate could never dream of.  Gluten-free, flouride-free.  I originally paid $6 at Vitamin Shoppe until my Natural Health doctor told me about www.vitacost.com.  Of all items, this one impressed me the most.  Toothpaste is not a product we come to expect too much from. I could never go back to any other toothpaste and my pearly whites can skip a visit to the dentist this year. Oh yea, it helps in the whitening department.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="83" caption="Kiss My Face Shampoo"][/caption]

Shampoo is the most cautious risk I take.  I love my hair.  I switched from Loreal's new sulfate-free life to this one from how finicky my scalp had become toward any foreign substances .  If your lovely locks hate you because of you've killed them with chemicals, this will give your broken ends a break.  Even if you only use it for a few days at a time.  Honestly, I love and prefer the feel gooey and slimy-soap feel of questionable substances in regular bottles, but I made this switch for the greater good.   I also air dry periodically for a few days.  It's torture, I say, but not hopeless.

*Head's up: this will not create suds or feel very slippery. It takes some getting used to but it will scrub your head good and clean, and leave your mane shiny and happy.

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="77" caption="Alba Very Emollient Body Lotion - Original"][/caption]

This is the most recent jewel I found (this weekend!) and I kick myself for procrastinating on an easy online order because I wanted to "shop around" (I'm doing air quotes with my stubby fingers).  Last minute, I found myself in dire need of lotion and I paid $16.99 at Target for this bottle.  If you click on this picture's link, Vitacost only charges $7.94! Kick, kick, kick. It's available fragrance free and if you're wondering what emollient means, click here.

It wasn't amazing; it was miraculous.  I don't exaggerate when I say I was desperate to find a good non-greasy but replenishing potion that didn't leave me itchy or even drier than how I started.  I also needed something that wouldn't break the bank, but I ended up dishing it out last minute anyway.  Lately, my skin doesn't just get ashy, it cracks and bleeds. Honestly, I proclaim: I shall never love another.  Even my husband loved it -and a little mushy nonsense I have to throw in there- I still get warm fuzzies when Husband borrows my stuff or vice versa (blush).  Had I played a little riskier, even with shipping and handling, I would've still paid less than I did at Target. And, I could've also included Gluten-Free Cake mix in the shopping cart! Vitacost has it all, with only $5 shipping.

I'll be trying more and products along the way and share any fabulous finds with you.  Next on my journey are shaving gels, aluminum-free deodorant, hair conditioners, and bath effervescent gimmicks.

Disclaimer: Everybody body is uniquely different and will have different results.  Try at your own risk. I'm not trying to convince anyone to drop all their current products or insinuate that they are bad for you.  Obviously, most persons do not have severe or even mild reactions to regular beauty items. That's great. This is a little review for people who like natural/organic products, people who think average products are lacking, that some reactions might be delayed onset of continuous chemical use, and/or do not know what else might improve their situation without risking too much money or health. You may love or hate these products if you get curious.

All I'm saying is if I could, I'd make a heap of gift baskets with one each of these products, and give one to every special reader who subscribed to my blog.

Happy Slathering!